A loss for words...

Here is a run down of what it's like to be in my head. From understanding a piece of information to remembering it and relaying it. It's a real struggle in social situations and highly likely why making and keeping friends has always been difficult for me. The image below is more illustrative purposes except imagine a great gust of wind tips all the book out of the shelves and muddles them up further: that's the inside of my head.

My head is like a shaken up filing cabinet. Retrieving the right information at the right time can be a slow, frustrating process especially in the fast paced grips of a conversation.

In order to process words or sound I collate everything into a visual image in my head. It's a little like synesthesia in that there is an associated colour/cartoon/image/action floating around my third eye in order for me to gain meaning from the information my brain is receiving.

I will often stutter and stumble over my words when explaining something verbally especially if I need to relay information to someone else. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I can't read the person's body language to give me social cues, I can never process what they are saying quick enough. I will write out a script or have a parent on hand to help me understand what the phone operator is garbling about.

A particular frustration in conversation is when I will suddenly completely forget my train of thought. Back tracking keywords through the past conversation helps to some extent but I'll be at a total loss and only remember when the time has passed. My family understand this and give me time to stop and think but other than being embarrassing in social situations, past boyfriends and friends have lost interest in my stories/conversation or get impatient with me and make sarky disrespectful comments. I come across stupid and slow at times.

I get distracted too. When I talk lots of things will pop into my head/ I'll most likely jump to the distraction and then when I go back, completely forget by original story. If I'm talking and get interrupted going back to what I was saying is impossible- it will have completely vanished into the wordy ether of my brain.

My brain is also an open book. I share everything and anything with anyone. I find it hard to know what people like to know and what really needs to stay in my head. As well as this, things I say to my mum don't need to be said to the date I have yet to meet. My brain doesn't think in order, it jumps from one topic to another so my conversation will jump from one place to the next- to me in an organised chaos fashion, to the recipient of my information- they are left confused and bewildered.

Making friends is a big deal for me. I basically over read the person's body language and what they say to the point where I culminate an impression of them that they won't get on with me. Low self esteem is a very common trait in triple x girls and this impinges on my ability to get to know new people. It took me a long time to just answer back with 'hi, how are you?' in day to day greetings. It's only been in recent years where I have started to talk to people I don't know out and about or introduced myself to new people in my familiar environments. I have had to make a huge effort to push myself into situations of meeting new people. Dating apps have been a huge help as well as being invited to networking events through colleagues.

It would be easy just to hide away at home so I didn't have to deal with all this but life is about jumping into the deep end, meeting new people and trying new things. I have come along way from the monosyllabic shy mouse I was at school and I have quite a social outgoing life I just have to manage my anxieties and put a little more preparation into place in order to get through!